inspiration for this blog
happy birthday, dad! It’s crazy that my dad should be turning 54 today but instead he’s been gone for 16 years.
In the last few months I have been grieving for my father in a new way because I didn’t expect to miss him so much at this stage of my life.
I think of him when I wish I could ask him about buying my first home. I think about talking to him about the start of his career as my husband begins his. I wish he could come help me in my garden in my yard, or put up shelves in my closets with me. I wish I could talk to him about finances, retirement and budgeting. I think of so many things I never got to talk to him about because I was so young and not ready for him to be gone.
I wish he could be here to see his granddaughters grow and see how smart and capable they are. They bring Schuyler and I so much joy and we can’t believe they are ours.
It’s hard to accept that in less than a month I will turn 27, leaving just 10 years until I’m the age he was when he passed away. I wonder how many more years I will be waiting to see him again.
I have been listening to Ed Sheeran’s most recent album, (-) Subtract, and I resonate so deeply with it. It is probably my favorite album ever. I’ve always loved songs that are often labeled “sad” and I think that’s because I have often felt so sad having lost my dad and I find so much value in knowing that’s okay. It makes it possible to accept the grief and simultaneously feel joy in other aspects of life. I have listened to his Apple Music Live where he talks about his reason for each of the songs, and it is just beautiful. I can’t listen to “eyes closed” without singing along with tears running down my face. While he wrote his experience about a friend he lost, it sums up my experience so well since I have been trying to dance through life without my dad for the past 16 years. Honestly the entire album is incredible and I’m so grateful to have found it during this time in my life.
Living here in South Carolina, I haven’t felt homesick hardly at all, and I’m very grateful for that. I guess most of my feelings get channeled to grief that my dad can’t be a physical part of my life. I just finished putting a scrapbook together of essentially every picture we have of him (a project I started 15 years ago and did 95% of since 2022) and I also just got called to be an advisor for the young women at church age 12-18. I got to lead a discussion on Sunday based on 1 Corinthians 14-16 on finding peace in Christ when a loved one dies. I am so grateful for my Savior.
happy birthday dad!
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